Hell of the North Review

“Welcome to hell” said the chirpy voice when I called to make a booking. 

It was about this point that the lust kicked in. Not necessarily for the person on the other end of the phone (although the staff certainly aren’t lacking in attractiveness), rather for the experience I knew awaited us.

Back when we first moved to Melbourne we lived in Fitzroy and didn’t have a lot of cash left over after moving expenses and inner-city rent, so we had to prioritise our spending. For me the luxury priority was fine wine. On a Sunday evening we would often pop into Hell of the North for a glass (or two) before heading home for cheese on toast. It was a bit torturous to watch and smell the amazing French-inspired meals being delivered to other diners though- my envy was fierce. Somehow it took another two years before we made it back for dinner so I thought I better document this momentous occasion.

I used to work in the Queen Victoria markets as a sales assistant but the store location often meant we also doubled as the information booth. I often instructed tourists to head to Fitzroy and look for the big yellow door for a quintessential Melbourne night out. Situated on a side street, marked only by the impressive door and a small plaque,   you step inside to a world of dimly-lit, old-school elegance contrasted by upbeat staff and a cracking, sometimes rule-breaking wine list.

My love started with some oysters ($3 each) and (naturally) Champagne. 

Meanwhile I indulged in a pulled pork and gruyere doughnut ($7) – textural heaven with a crunchy coating surrounding an enormous wad of tender pork oozing with cheese.

 Greed took over when the Beef Tartare ($21) arrived. We clashed hands as we scooped glistening chunks of tangy beef onto crisp wafer-thin toasts and again as we dived into the perfectly crisp Pomme Frites ($8).

If you had to assign one of the seven deadly sins to the Free range Pig, Sauce a la Diable ($32), it would be gluttony. A perfect cloud of butter-soft pork belly, drenched in a tangy sauce with just a buzz of spicy heat. Beside it, a slab of bacon steak topped with roasted garlic and pork scratchings- salty, smoky bliss.

The Grass-fed Beef, Marrow Butter, Sauce ($32) also came ‘two ways’. I am still lusting after the beef cheek- meltingly tender and surrounded with a rich, meaty sauce of syrup-like consistency. The steak was crunchy-edged but very slightly chewy, this was excused by the marrow butter melting into the flesh.

For dessert my love had the New York Cheesecake served with a subtle blueberry sorbet ($14)- a lovely fresh way to finish the meal.

I on the other hand dived deeper into the richness of the Chocolate Cremeux with Caramel and Pear Sorbet ($14). Perfectly crisp, paper-thin pear slices (I could devour a bag of those crisps) topped a rich chocolate ganache, enveloping a mousse-like chocolate cream on a crumbly shortbread base and balanced by a crisp pear sorbet. Swoon…

 Don’t you think it looks a little like a golden snitch? 🙂

To drink?

The aforementioned Champagne was the NV Jacquesson Cuvée No. 736 – layers of brioche, citrus and refreshing minerality. An elegant aperitif style.

I followed with a pleasant 2011 Chateau Beynat Côte de Bordeaux (Merlot/Cabernet Franc) – approachable and fruit-driven, but envied my love’s 2012 Domaine de la Guicharde Côtes de Rhône (Grenache/Syrah) with layers of complexity and a sassy match for the pig dish.

I recovered with a glorious 1983 Tora Albala PX (Pedro Ximenez) Gran Reserva- bitter-sweet coffee, chocolate-coated liquorice and plum pudding flavours (I know!) balanced by fresh acidity.

I have to give a special mention to the reserve wine list; a handwritten tome peppered with anecdotes and some truly fascinating wines. Next time Gadget.

Hell of the North is effortlessly cool and relaxing with a cracking wine list and food that makes you want to lick the plate (#classy). If this is hell, I need to start sinning more often 😉

 All food and drinks were paid for.

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